Divorce: I Didn’t Sign Up For This

How many times in our lives do we self-talk and hear ourselves saying “I didn’t sign up for this? Why me?” We all tend to say or feel this anytime our life plans alter from our expectations and generally regardless of whether the situation is good for us, working out for us, or even healthy for us. We get tied to concepts and how things should be and marriage and divorce are no different. We get married with the expectation of the marriage lasting forever (regardless of the reality and statistics surrounding divorce), and when a divorce comes our way, the first thing someone feels is the sting from the change in their life path. The predictable vision of our life becomes unhinged and this too often becomes the focus when it is simply not something you can change. At some point in everyone’s life we come to experience something we didn’t predict. This comes in the form of death, loss of any loved one, loss of a friendship, and of course the loss of your marriage. Fortunately, as humans we are built for endurance and to overcome hardship and therefore it is so very important to focus on any change with an open mind and see these changes as opportunities. This experience, like any other unpredictable experience, came for a reason and embracing the new journey and finding joy in the new path your life is headed is a mindset that fosters self-love versus the mind set that loss ruined you. That role of becoming the victim, or holding on to what’s not meant for us, is all incredibly self-destructive yet it is safer. It is much riskier to open ourselves up to the unknown and enjoy it because we all fear failure. We all fear real success and we all fear real vulnerability. It is much safer to stay sad, hold on to what hurts us, and try to control our environment, even if it’s not healthy for us, it’s familiar and we are creatures of habit for sure.
Overall, every one of us is wired for comfortability. Therefore, whether our relationships are good or bad, including our marriage, we hold on for dear life out of fear of change. In fact, most of the time we don’t even stop long enough to contemplate the relationships and situations we are tied to. We don’t ask ourselves if this relationship is healthy? Is this relationship helping me live my best life? These questions should be asked of ourselves repeatedly, and not just in marriage, but in employment situations, friendships, and overall. We seem to forget we have a say in where we are, with who we spend our time and energy on, and even where we work. We simply live as robots more often than not and by doing so forget to evaluate whether we are living as the best versions of ourselves and offering the world the best we have. In other words, change is scarier than acceptance. For example, if we were traveling to Aruba and the flight gets held up in Miami, we are all inclined to be disappointed that our original plans didn’t turn out. So much so that we ignore the sun and warmth offered in Miami and end up in the airport all day crying rather than venturing to the beach. It wasn’t the beach we expected so we do nothing but sit in the pity party. This is no different than marriage. Being disappointed in one thing, but allowing changes in the life plan to derail you all together is tragic. Bumps in the road are necessary in this life and sadly living life as expected rarely leads to the personal growth we all need to live our most fulfilled days on this earth. Therefore, be upset and be sad at the end of your marriage and don’t ignore those feelings. However, equalize those feelings with feelings of hope for the new things, people and experiences you are being offered with a different path at your feet and recognize that perspective is everything.