A popular saying or belief in life is “if you think the world is out to get you, it probably is.” The same logic however can be, “if you think you deserve more, than you do.” Therefore, while the divorce process is without a doubt an emotionally challenging process, often the mindset of clients can increases the emotional, physical and even financial damage a divorce can cause someone. While, there are certainly many aspects of divorce, which, cause stress, a negative mindset, and belief that everything is out of your control will only compound this stress.
Negative belief systems can assure a negative life and a positive belief system can foster the positive outcomes we desire. If you are using the negatives to fuel you, especially during your divorce, you are allowing the bad things to win and almost ensuring your fate. Sadly, the main reason any of us allow negative beliefs to control us is because there is no perceived risks in these beliefs. Negative beliefs and low standards of self-worth provide us safety. Surrendering control and allowing yourself to believe good things will result from even the most difficult journeys places us at risk- we fear the impact if we don’t attain the dream in our heads and the pain that comes with not getting what we want, or things happening that we did not plan for. For some reason, not attaining exactly what we dream of or desire is scarier than living everyday believing nothing good will happen. All of us, of course some more than others, tend to be terribly afraid of true happiness and tie our happiness to relationships, careers, friendships, or many other things in life, none of which we can control. This is the main reason why a divorce is mentally exhausting and destructive-not the financial strain or impact on the children, rather, the belief that we aren’t good enough, deserving enough or deep down we don’t deserve better. This mindset can prevail through a divorce and make it challenging for lawyers to help as we are not battling the legal aspects but our client’s pain and inability to be present in their own case. This toxic mindset also prevents people from seeing the people they do have, sometimes even reducing their focus on their children, as anger is a very strong emotion that fuels hate and which prevents us from seeing the love and life we do have.
The divorce process is a perfect opportunity to detach from the identity you have come to rely upon as a spouse and the protection this identity provided you. Often, without even assessing whether their marriage was good or bad, positive and fulfilling or negative and draining, client’s believe they have lost it all during a divorce. The biggest thing most people lose during a divorce is their identity, which, was of course is tied to someone and is out of their control. The one harsh reality of this world is that no one owes us anything and this includes our spouses. Sure, there were vows and promises associated with your marriage, however, they were expectations, not guarantees. Reliance on these outside sources for self-worth entirely removes the very real ability we have to be happy in our own self. We have no control of anyone else and this includes a spouse. You do however have control over your response to a divorce and the belief that you deserve to be happier and view the process as a new opportunity in life.
Take responsibility for your part in the divorce, own your actions, feel your emotions, but also use this as a chance to learn self-love, something that is lacking for most of us. Don’t be the one standing in the way of your life, control your destiny and happiness by letting go of the need to control your life, your need to understand the actions and feelings of your spouse or what drives them, and truly recognize the irrelevance of it all.
If you are going through the divorce process, the experienced lawyers at the Martone Law Group, LLC can guide you through the process to obtain not only what is best for you but what is ultimately best for your children. To schedule a consultation to discuss custody issues, please call us at (856) 617-6700.