For the earlier part of my career, when asked the question “will the court force my
children to come for parenting time”, my answer would be generally yes, with the suggestion of
a Motion to Enforce whatever court ordered parenting time is in place. On the reverse, when a
client would ask whether they had to force their children to go to parenting time, I would also
generally say yes, especially with the absence of a neutral third party (such as a school concern,
therapist concern, etc), or of course proof that there are issues of abuse, neglect, or something
“clear” that would make it dangerous for the child to be forced to go. However, after almost 20
years of practicing family law, I find myself unable to give such clear-cut answers to these
questions as there has been a movement overall of allowing children to make these decisions at
younger and younger ages and as a result, I am seeing children severely estranged from the other
parent in the absence of any court order permitting such an arrangement. While, there are
certainly many children that have good reason for not going, as a society we are allowing our
children more options including the option of whether they go to school or learn from home,
whether they do mandatory state testing or not, and including whether have to go to the other
parents house or not. This will ultimately backfire. Children need to work through their issues
with teachers, friends, coaches, and most importantly parents and our job, absent the exceptions
stated herein, is to foster and encourage, at times making our children do the things they don’t
want to do but what is ultimately best for them.

As to the applicable law and standards, the general rule of thumb is that parents are to
abide any court ordered custody and parenting time plan. In the event that there are concerns and
the children do not want to go, the appropriate action is to file a Motion to address the issue, not
simply permit your children to refuse to go or worse involve the police to “document” that the
children do not want to go. If it is that serious, therapy should commence immediately and the
appropriate motion with the Court filed (with proofs) as to why the children should not be
required to go. However, absent a Motion or other proof of abuse/neglect, it is your job as a
parent to encourage and ensure your child goes for parenting time with the other parent. We
recognize that they are not old enough to make other significant decisions such as when they go
to school, whether they do their homework, whether they attend holiday dinners, etc., yet, when
it comes to two parents at war so to speak, we seem to let the children’s say guide our way
without the insight into the damage this will cause them in the long run.

Any parenting time plan or custody ordered entered is the plan that needs to be followed
and both parents are obligated to comply with those terms. Both parents should also be
encouraging their children to go to parenting time. Children should not be encouraged not to go
to parenting time, and therefore, if they are that adamantly refusing with significant concern,
then these concerns must be addressed therapeutically and by way of the appropriate application
with the Court. Simply permitting our children not to go is not ok and should you permit that
you do run the risk of the Court modifying parenting time or custody and granting the other
parent more control and time with the children.

While, the age of the children involved certainly plays a part in the situation, even
teenagers are not mature enough to make decisions to cut out a parent absent serious issues
which are generally so serious that they are supported by proofs and documentation. Of course,
generally around the age of 14 the Court’s will consider the children’s input and views, and may
ultimately interview the child, absent something significant or serious, even as teenagers the
Judge will likely continue to expect the children to have a relationship with both parents.

With the above in mind, if you are in a situation wherein your children refuse to visit you
and/or your children refuse to go to the other parent for parenting time, given the factually
sensitive nature of these situations, consulting with an attorney experienced in custody matters
will ensure you make the best decision for your children and which does not result in you losing
rights or time for taking matters into your own hands. Please contact Kelli M. Martone, Esq. at
Martone Law Group, LLC to schedule your consultation at (856)617-6700 located at 206 White
Horse Pike, Suite 1, Haddon Heights, New Jersey 08035.